TAKEN FROM:  CAROLINE MYSS

Except for the Grace of God Go I

I remember hearing that spiritual prayer of acknowledged gratitude over and over again while I was growing up. And I certainly heard the nuns say it. As a child, I loved the sound of that phrase because it was a phrase that seemed to hide a great jewel of wisdom. It was a type of treasure chest made of simple words that when strung together communicated a powerful truth. “Except for the grace of God go I.” It was apparent that those words conveyed some sort of profound meaning because I noticed how the nuns would nod their heads in a type of collective agreement after one of them uttered that phrase. Eventually I let go of my mission to crack through the deeper meaning of this phrase and got on with the business of growing up. I was about eight-years-old when I made that decision.

That phrase exploded out of the dust of my mental archives in my early thirties, right on time you might say. It was just one of those days, really, that starts out gorgeous but ends up being a game changer. That day was made for walking. So that's what I did. After a few hours, I got an iced-tea and sat on a bench to check messages and all that sort of thing. I didn't pay any notice at all to the guy who sat on the bench a few minutes later. Why would I? But, as I was about to find out, certainly noticed me.

He asked me if I would get him an iced tea. One glance told me he was homeless or en route to that crisis. I asked him if he wanted a sandwich, so long as I was getting him a cold drink. He did. I turned to leave as soon as I gave him his meal but then he said he hated to eat alone and would I mind just sitting with him. I was uncomfortable as all get out - I mean down to the pit of my stomach. But I was in a familiar park and it was day light and I knew I could run faster than him...so I figured, ugh....okay. UGH

He took one bite out of his sandwich, one gulp of his drink and said, "I know you want to get the hell away from me. I know you are uncomfortable as hell right now. You don't know me or anything about me. I'm a veteran. The war in my head won't stop. I just try to find quiet places now. That's all."

My heart hurt. I could feel the pain in my chest explode. My eyes filled with tears and all I could hear in my head was, "Except for the grace of God go I." I could have been sent to harm others or to face some type of horror. Or I could have witnessed nightmares early on, but I did not. I sat next to him and felt the whole of my life reshape itself into a simple but deeply meaningful prayer of gratitude and one of grace for the other. It is these moments, these tiny encounters that just show up out of nowhere, that are the purest expression of God in the small and present details of your life. This man changed my life. I have looked for him many times in the park near my home and have never seen him again - not to imply that he was "not of the Earth". We have yet to cross paths again, but I hope it does happen.

Through him, I entered into yet a deeper mystery about life but with so much gratitude about each day of my life. This is one of my own prayers:

I never know where I will find You or how You will speak to me. Some days it is through new person and other days it is through a new experience. Each day I become more aware of something I did not understand or realize before. I knew I should be grateful for all that I have but now I realize I should also be grateful for all that I do not have. For I do not have traumatic war memories and I do not have scars from being a refugee and I do not have the fear of a homeless person. I am grateful for all I have and for all I do not have. If I am grateful for having been spared a suffering, give me the grace to help those who are suffering. Amen”

REMEMBER...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Let us be grateful for our blessings!

CHILDREN'S REACTION TO DIVORCE

CHILDREN’S REACTION TO DIVORCE

INFANTS TO 2 YEARS

A.      Largely unaware of divorce and often unaffected if primary nurturing adult remains consistent.

B.      2-year-old children may react negatively (see next item).

2 TO 4 YEARS

A.     Regress, revert to diapers and being fed.

B.     Some experts say that removal of the opposite sex parent may be detrimental to sexual development.

C.      Removal of same sex parent (with whom the child may have been in unconscious competition) may cause the child to fear he actually “wished” the parent away.

D.     Fantasy of parents remarrying combined with attempts to reunite parents (i.e., joining their hands together).

3 TO 6 YEARS

A.      Feelings of fear, helplessness and instability.

B.     Regression to infant-like behavior

C.      Problems with sleeping and eating

D.     Failure to understand divorce due to rigid views of Family as 2 parents and children

E.      Wonders: “How can a parent love a child and leave the family?”

F.      Fears: “if one parent left, maybe the other one will, too.”

G.     “Me” centered developmental stage leads to feelings of guilt.  These feelings are often stronger at this age than others but may persist unless faced and conquered.

6 TO 8 YEARS

A.      An especially critical stage.

B.     Fears starvation and abandonment: “Who will take care of me?”

C.      Especially sensitive to parents’ attitudes (bitterness, sorrow, etc.)

D.     May try to be good so parents will reunite.  This allows him to feel he has some control over a chaotic environment.

E.      May try to become the missing parent/adult in another effort to gain control over a confusing and mixed-up situation.

F.      Feelings of guilt (especially strong up to age 7) may cause child to deny the reality of the divorce or to offer unrealistic explanations for the divorce.

8 TO 12 YEARS

A.     May demonstrate physical problems, irritability and demanding behavior.

B.     Directs feelings of anger at both parents, especially at the one he/she currently views as the initiator (one to blame) of the divorce.  Often is critical and blaming.

C.      Directs anger toward siblings and peers, which isolates child just when he most needs support from others.

D.     Occasionally tries to reunite parents with bad behavior which may require the parents to cooperate with each other.  (i.e., poor school performance).

12 TO 18 YEARS

A.      Often has difficulty due to the “rebellious: developmental stage.

B.     May be harsh, unsympathetic and may critically withdraw from one or both parents.

C.      Sometimes takes sides with one parent and becomes trapped in a loyalty dilemma.

D.     Later, may try to comfort each parent, in turn (“parenting the parents”).

E.      May try to act as a mediator and attempt to talk parents into a reconciliation. 

F.      Embarrassment may lead to denial of divorce to outsiders.

G.     Poor self-esteem and questions of personal “loveableness” sometimes lead to acting out or promiscuous behavior.

H.     May take a generally pessimistic view of marriage as a life style.

TED TALK

BRENE BROWN: LISTENING TO SHAME

TED TALK

BRENE BROWN: VULNERABILITY

TED TALK


THE GIFT AND POWER OF EMOTIONAL COURAGE: BY SUSAN DAVIS

HELP YOUR CHILD WITH PROBLEM SOLVING

If children are going to survive and thrive in tomorrow’s complex world, they need practice solving as many problems as possible…today!  The following process is designed to get kids thinking more about their problems than we do.

Step 1:  Provide a strong and sincere dose of empathy.

Empathy allows the child to stay calm enough to solve the problem…and learn from it.  Experiment with saying something like:

Oh no.  This is a problem.  I bet that’s really upsetting.

Step 2:  Hand the problem back.

After you have proven that you care, ask:

What do you think you might do to solve this problem?

Don’t be shocked if the child mumbles, “I don’t know.”

Step 3:  Ask permission to share what “some kids” have tried.

Avoid giving suggestions until you have asked:

Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?

Step 4:  Provide two or three alternatives for solving the problem.

Remember to avoid resistance by saying:

Some kids decide to_______________________________.

How would that work for you?

Step 5:  Allow the child to solve or not to solve the problem.

Resist the urge to tell the child which alternative to pick.

End the session by showing your faith in the child.

****Taken from:   Love and Logic